guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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