He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
