I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
