I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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