I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
