Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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