dude i'm inner monologue high
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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