Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
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