I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
you traded sex for a burrito?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
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My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
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Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I just gargled with NyQuil
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.