Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.