how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Randomize
