Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
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