I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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