He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
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Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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