He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
