Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
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That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
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You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize