Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
