I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
