I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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