I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
