i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
