I would go down on you faster than GM stock
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
