Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
