You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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