I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
