I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
