the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize