i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
