Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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