apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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