My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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