you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
