I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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