foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
and you fell through a lawn chair
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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