I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
