i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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