a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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