uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize