i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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