my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
