i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
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ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
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I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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