Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
