So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
