I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
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So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
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It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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