Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
