I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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