I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
