I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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