I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
