A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I use my feet as sexual weapons
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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