i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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