i already hear my dad disowning me
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
